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Mr. Evans needs some lessons from the King…

Well, looks like club soccer coach Benjamin Evans has seen Chris Hansen in action enough to know that sending AOL IM’s or visiting online chat rooms in an effort to solicit sex from a minor is a very bad idea. So what did Evans do to avoid this pressing dilemna that is such a thorn in all of our sides? He decided to go to the good old text message to solicit sex from Hannah Montana’s peers.

Evans, 23, allegedly met a 13-year-old girl at a summer soccer camp he was coaching earlier this month. The police report goes on to say that Evans began sending his texts pre-pubescent girl on August 2nd, and the report further details that in the course of their text conversation, Evans hinted that he might pay her for sexual favors. By August 6th, the girl’s mom miraculously found out about the text messages that would make Jenna Jameson blush and called the cops. In a sting for the ages, the cops then used the girl’s phone to arrange to meet Evans last Tuesday night after a text message conversation during which Evans inquired if the young lassie wanted to perform oral sex on him and then told her how to do it.

Man, this guy is a L-O-S-E-R. I mean, if you’re going to try and solicit underage girls for sexual favors, at least you should be able to do it without having to pay for it. It sounds like Mr. Evans needs a crash course 101 in sexual solicitation of minors for free from Professor Jackson at Neverland University. But hey, at least he was kind enough to give the youngster instructions on how to perform oral sex. Can’t say he wasn’t at least spreading some knowledge. Although I’m not sure the world needs to have any knowledge this guy possesses spread.

And based solely on the content of this article, I will actually throw out a disclaimer that all of this is pure sarcasm. Obviously this guy is a pud the likes of which should be sent to Federal “Pound Me In The Ass Prison”. Now let’s get Chris Hansen and Shaq on that task ASAP.

-NEIL

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At least if Nike breaks the bank to get Beckham and he never plays the company could always substitute Billy Idol for Becks and Americans probably wouldn’t even know…

It looks like everyone’s favorite home to Lil’ Penny is making headlines again, this time with their efforts to sign soccer uber-star David Beckham away from rival Adidas. If Nike succeeds, I can only hope their ad campaign for Beckham (and Beckham’s U.S. career itself) will be as successful as that of former Nike client Freddy Adu. I’m all for Nike’s continued plunging of millions of dollars into ad campaigns for a sport no one in America cares about.

And while Nike’s at it, maybe they could throw millions today at Rich Harden, Eric Lindros, Mark Prior, Payne Stewart, Dale Earnhardt Sr., Charles Rogers, and Penny Hardaway. I mean, they’ve all seen as much professional action as Beckham over the last year in America. Hell, for fifty bucks, I’ll abandon my looming sponsorship with Keds for a chance to represent the swoosh. But hey, if another friendly with Chelsea ever comes up, Eric Wynalda and the other eight Americans who watch soccer might actually get to see Beckham in all his swooshed-out glory.

Go ahead Nike, just do it.

-NEIL

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I don’t see David Beckham jeopardizing that monstorous contract with the Galaxy by risking brining “The Lindsay Lohan” into his house…

Everyone’s favorite sober socialite “The Lindsay Lohan” apparently seems to think she’s got a shot with new L.A. Galaxy star David Beckham, and I don’t mean a shot on the field. Brandon Davis’ favorite ginger-girl apparently finds the Daniel Craig clone (Beckham) to be quite the hunk, and Lohan is set to do whatever it takes to get in between David and his spicey wife Victoria.

Allegedly, Lohan is involved in a $25,000 bet with her friends that she can get in the sack with David Beckham. It’s unconfirmed, however, that if Lohan wins the bet, the $25,000 will go to pay off whichever one of her grimey, fire-crotch, friends bailed her out of her morning prison stint today. Sorry Lindsay, somehow I can’t see David Beckham leaving his insanely hot (and seemingly somewhat level-headed - scroll down to the part about Posh and Paris) wife for a chain-smoking, coked out, rehab failure who likes to get blitzed off of illicit drugs and booze, and then likes to crash cars and get DUI’s. Something tells me the biggest soccer players in the world probably like to steer clear of an actress who have blown their entire career and probably most of their money because they like to attempt to smuggle cocaine into jail while they’re drunk and being booked for a drunk driving charge, all of this occuring while said actress is awaiting trial for a separate DUI charge in which she crashed a car, left some coke in it, and then bailed on the accident scene.

Although, if Beckham is forced to listen to “When Two Become One” on repeat in his and Victoria’s mansion all day, I retract all of my previous statements. I guess that’s the one thing that could drive anyone to leave a relatively sane, drug free, hot, famous chick for a washed up, coked-out, jail bound, actress.

-NEIL

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Victoria Beckham does her best impression of Paris Hilton as a spoiled, immature, bitch

Toting the little Becklets behind her hubby as they make the move to L.A., Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham appears more poised for life in the Hollywood limelight than snarly bloggers like myself were originally led to believe. Apparently Mrs. Beckham recently rejected an offer of friendship from ‘reformed’ party girl Paris Hilton when Hilton suggested they could be soulmates.

Personally, the only way I’m interested in any sentence that involves the terms ‘Paris Hilton’ ‘Posh Spice’ and ‘Soulmates’ is if it comes in a Google search for a new sex tape involving those two calling each other soulmates.

But if there is one positive to take away from this, it’s that Victoria has definitely passed the first test of showing she has common sense here in America. Anyone who passes on partying with a spoiled, annoying, drunk driver who has Suge Knight guard public bathrooms while she voms all over earns some major points in my book. In fact, I might even watch David Beckham’s first game with the Galaxy now.

Actually there’s still a better chance that I’ll attend the Spice Girls reunion concert this year, but I do want Victoria to know I appreciate the effort. Now go dominate MLS, Dave! You could really touch the lives of all 56 soccer fans in this country!

-NEIL

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Good thing the little Aussie peckers weren’t able to align and fire a mass shot like this…

Let’s thank God that the revolutionary concept of gunpowder has apparently not made its way to The Land Down Under yet. When I was a young teen, I remember being concerned with trying to score with chicks. When I was a mid-aged teen, I remember being concerned with how I was going to get booze. When I was nearing the end of my teenage years, I remember being concerned with how I was going to do both of those things in one night. But I can honestly say that at no point during my adolescence, let alone at any point during my entire life, was I ever concerned with making sure I could rob a local sporting goods store to shoot arrows into a crowded youth soccer game field for sh**s and giggles. I guess that bizarre source of teenage fun just never made its way into the Midwestern United States. What a shame.

Sadly, reverting to the Middle Ages and re-enacting the scene in Robin Hood where the merry men’s camp is fired upon by the Sherriff of Nottingham’s troops is apparently all the rage in Albury, Australia (sorry that clip’s not the right scene, but I think the foreign voices are too funny to ignore). Several teenagers thought it would be hillarious to steal some bows and arrows and open fire on a youth soccer game. Believe it or not, no one else seemed to find this act funny. Excluding listening to Carrot Top, I can’t think of anything less funny than shooting arrows at kids playing soccer and their parents.

Constable Simon ‘Insightful Quotes’ Steel, one of the officers to respond to this debacle, delivered some very insightful opinions on this incident:

“It was a recipe for disaster…There was no regard for public safety. They were firing towards a group of people so those arrows could have gone anywhere.”

Thank God Steel was there to clear up those lingering issues for me. I almost couldn’t tell this was a dangerous situation where public safety was obviously not being considered by the perpetrators. Maybe we can get Peter Sellers on this case to crack it next.

-NEIL

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Just watch the replay of this shot later in the video. If this were Tiger Woods or Lefty Mickelfat, they’d be screaming ‘Awww shit…FORE!’ as soon as they made contact. But the hook back on this soccer shot is just absurd. I’m surprised the goalie didn’t tear a groin muscle or go Willis McGahee and blow out more leg ligaments than I even knew the human body had, because he had to have been leaning entirely one way, then make a completely futile effort to shift back the other way in about 0.0001 seconds. But forget my commentary and just watch the absurdity of this shot and the goalie officially losing his jock strap.

-NEIL

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Maybe it’s time that youth soccer leagues follow the NHL and MLB’s lead and get some protective netting around the playing surface. At least when “Number 11, Tony Donatelli…” is on the field. Little Tony tries to get a shot off in traffic, but it ends up sailing over the top of the crossbar, and hitting an unsuspecting woman who probably belongs on the cast of Golden Girls.

If I knew Tony Donatelli, I’d probably say to him “Thank you for being a friend...”

-NEIL

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Anyone from Columbus remembers Woody Hayes as the badass OSU football coach who made Ohio State the powerhouse it’s become in the sport today. And there’s no denying Woody was indeed that. But if you’re not a Buckeye fan, then you probably often remember Woody for the legendary outburst that got him fired when he attacked a player on the opposing team running down the sideline.

Now I’ve always thought Woody was a fool for doing something like that. A college football player would beat an old coach down quicker than Paris Hilton gets onto her knees when the camera starts rolling. But if the coach was attacking a less-than-imposing soccer player? That might be a smart play.

And the coach denies it after the fact. He must be straight from the ‘O.J. Simpson school of how to deny the obvious while keeping a straight face.’

-NEIL

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Everyone’s seen those clips of the European and South American soccer announcers yelling prolonged ‘Ggggooooaaaaaaaaalllllllllll’ calls when their team scores. Well, I wonder what their call would be when this jackass ends up getting taken down by the net? Maybe something more along the lines of ‘Aaaassssshhhhhoooooooooooolllleeee!!!’.

-NEIL

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Posh might want to invest in a shower if she’s going to start cheerleading. I could do without the dirt.

Victoria Beckham, or as she’s more commonly known to proud owners of Spice World like myself as Posh Spice, is apparently in talks with the L.A. Galaxy to perform as a cheerleader at hubby David Beckham’s first game for the team. After braving the temptation to commit adultery while playing catch with Derek Lowe at Dodger Stadium in front of L.A. baseball fans this past week, executives for the city’s MLS team have decided what they really, really want, and it’s more Posh.

The target date for this grand spectacle would be August 23rd, when Beckham is scheduled to make his debut. A source for the Galaxy perhaps summed up Posh’s attributes most eloquently:

“Victoria looked amazing at the Dodger Stadium. Sports fans went wild for her — and everyone’s been talking about those great legs of hers. The top men at Galaxy didn’t fail to notice what an impact she made.”

Not sure what the source meant by the ‘top men at Galaxy’, but it had to either be ownership/management or the other players. Either way, I’m sure that’s an excellent way to welcome Beckham into the fold; compliment his wife’s great legs and get her into skimpy clothing ASAP.

And I’m not really sure why I complaining about this at all. I’m pretty sure the only way I would ever watch an L.A. Galaxy game is if Posh Spice was cheerleading. Well, or if Sporty Spice makes a similar career move and decides to start hawking Busch Light for the team. I guess that would be entertaining as well.

-NEIL

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