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David Wade isn’t coming from the greatest political-sports pedigree with respect to John Kerry…

What’s the only thing that’s worse than working on the staff of the worst United States President of all-time, who is so bad the heavens now have birds pooping on him? How about working on the staff of the guy who lost to said worst President ever in the last election? As a former John Kerry aide, David Wade falls in the latter category, and apparently being a part of that group isn’t humiliating enough for him.

Wade has decided to throw his name in the hat to become the next President of Red Sox Nation. While everything I’ve read suggests he is quite the baseball fan and might be capable of filling this prestigious role, I’m going to go out on a huge limb here and suggest that Boston fans will forever associate anyone who worked for John Kerry as not being worthy of being a Red Sox fan, let alone the President of Red Sox Nation, for the sheer fact that Kerry once uttered the fictitious name ‘Manny Ortiz’. Remind me when I run for the soon-to-be-created Presidency of Detroit Tigers fans never to pump up my favorite Tiger, Gary Ordonez.

I wonder what other prestigious leadership positions Mr. Wade has sought to be a part of? Based on his track record, I’d guess he’s thrown his candidacy in the mix for the following positions but lost out: Detroit Lions GM, Death Row Records Executive Producer, Enron CEO, lead in next M. Night Shamalan film, and BALCO head pharmacist.

Oh well. At least Wade could be out Jimmy Fallon as the next President of Red Sox Nation. But probably not Drew Barrymore.

-NEIL

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I think we’d all rather look at Brynn Cameron than Matt Leinart here…although I did seriously consider putting a photo of Nick Lachey up here…

Matt Leinart and his baby’s mama, USC hoopster Brynn Cameron, have recently been entangled in a feud that would make Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels blush. The argument has centered around support and custody of the ex-couple’s son, Cole. Cameron wants more money and says Leinart doesn’t do any of the real parenting; Leinart says he pays for lots out of his own pocket of his own free will and does a great job raising the kid, blah blah blah…

Needless to say, this dispute made its way into court, and the judge decreed that Leinart needs to up his payments to roughly $12,500 per month, however the potential incoming 6th member of 98 Degrees will receive joint custody of the kid and be allowed to spend Saturdays and Sundays with the young Cole.

I have a feeling this is exactly what new Cardinals’ coach Ken Wisenhunt was hoping for. That unbelievably awful movie where The Rock goes from being league MVP and football tough guy to a caring dad with a soft spot for kids is coming to life right in front of him with the Leinart-Cameron saga. Maybe next week the Cardinals can bring in some former gang members who are currently incarcerated to play on the practice squad so the kids can show everyone that they’re not delinquent failures. I’ve certainly never heard that script before. But seriously, if you’re Wisenhunt, how enthralled do you have to be that your starting QB now has to spend his nights before games picking the right brand of Swimmies and making that ever-so-crucial decision of Gerber’s versus Earth’s Best instead of analyzing the Cowboys defensive schemes? Actually, if it means Papa Leinart won’t look like this on the eve of a game, maybe Coach won’t mind at all…

As for Cameron, she officially is nominated for best celebrity mother of the year for ensuring that the greatest provision ever was included in the custody agreement, prohibiting Leinart from letting Britney Spears or Paris Hilton anywhere near the baby. Inviting those two over to help raise a kid is about as explosive as inviting Lindsay Lohan to an open bar in Columbia. Kudos to Brynn, although I might’ve also encouraged Matt not to allow any of the former 98 Degrees members around the kid, either. No one deserves to have a live, a capella version of “Una Noche” as their bed time melody.

-NEIL

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Mr. Evans needs some lessons from the King…

Well, looks like club soccer coach Benjamin Evans has seen Chris Hansen in action enough to know that sending AOL IM’s or visiting online chat rooms in an effort to solicit sex from a minor is a very bad idea. So what did Evans do to avoid this pressing dilemna that is such a thorn in all of our sides? He decided to go to the good old text message to solicit sex from Hannah Montana’s peers.

Evans, 23, allegedly met a 13-year-old girl at a summer soccer camp he was coaching earlier this month. The police report goes on to say that Evans began sending his texts pre-pubescent girl on August 2nd, and the report further details that in the course of their text conversation, Evans hinted that he might pay her for sexual favors. By August 6th, the girl’s mom miraculously found out about the text messages that would make Jenna Jameson blush and called the cops. In a sting for the ages, the cops then used the girl’s phone to arrange to meet Evans last Tuesday night after a text message conversation during which Evans inquired if the young lassie wanted to perform oral sex on him and then told her how to do it.

Man, this guy is a L-O-S-E-R. I mean, if you’re going to try and solicit underage girls for sexual favors, at least you should be able to do it without having to pay for it. It sounds like Mr. Evans needs a crash course 101 in sexual solicitation of minors for free from Professor Jackson at Neverland University. But hey, at least he was kind enough to give the youngster instructions on how to perform oral sex. Can’t say he wasn’t at least spreading some knowledge. Although I’m not sure the world needs to have any knowledge this guy possesses spread.

And based solely on the content of this article, I will actually throw out a disclaimer that all of this is pure sarcasm. Obviously this guy is a pud the likes of which should be sent to Federal “Pound Me In The Ass Prison”. Now let’s get Chris Hansen and Shaq on that task ASAP.

-NEIL

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At least Austin Miles’ athleticism is all-natural…

Well, the Nielsen Ratings came in for Barry Bonds‘ breaking of Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record, and they thankfully weren’t as impressive as originally thought. Bonds drew a rating on ESPN that’s closer to Aevion Cason’s yard’s per carry average (1.1 rating), while the preseason NFL game between the Dallas Cowboys and Indianapolis Colts drew about 2.5 times the number (2.7 rating) of viewers watching Bonds. Apparently American sports fans are more interested in watching immortal wide-outs such as Austin Miles from Monmouth State and Jamel Richardson from Victor Valley haul in passes from Tarleton State legend Dick Bartel than in watching Bonds hit number 756.

I don’t know how America can’t get caught up in the nostalgia of a steroid-using, perjuring, cheating, asshole becoming the sole holder of the most hallowed individual record in baseball history. I mean, what’s next? Will Americans just turn off their TV’s when T.O. goes to break Marvin Harrison’s single-season NFL catches record in 2007? Will Americans stop paying attention when Michael Vick scampers for a fourth TD in the 2007 NFC Championship game? Hell, will we not watch when Rafael Palmiero gives his hall-of-fame induction speech?

I’ve never been more dissapointed in my country. If Sly Stallone single-handedly ending the Cold War marked the apex of my patriotism, Americans not watching Barry Bonds break the home-run record probably marks the low-point. Well, that and when Vince McMahon decided Lex Lugar was going to be the All-American successor to Hulk Hogan in the WWF in 1993.

And I only pray thickly-laid sarcasm translates as well into text as I think it does while I type this.

-NEIL

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At least if Nike breaks the bank to get Beckham and he never plays the company could always substitute Billy Idol for Becks and Americans probably wouldn’t even know…

It looks like everyone’s favorite home to Lil’ Penny is making headlines again, this time with their efforts to sign soccer uber-star David Beckham away from rival Adidas. If Nike succeeds, I can only hope their ad campaign for Beckham (and Beckham’s U.S. career itself) will be as successful as that of former Nike client Freddy Adu. I’m all for Nike’s continued plunging of millions of dollars into ad campaigns for a sport no one in America cares about.

And while Nike’s at it, maybe they could throw millions today at Rich Harden, Eric Lindros, Mark Prior, Payne Stewart, Dale Earnhardt Sr., Charles Rogers, and Penny Hardaway. I mean, they’ve all seen as much professional action as Beckham over the last year in America. Hell, for fifty bucks, I’ll abandon my looming sponsorship with Keds for a chance to represent the swoosh. But hey, if another friendly with Chelsea ever comes up, Eric Wynalda and the other eight Americans who watch soccer might actually get to see Beckham in all his swooshed-out glory.

Go ahead Nike, just do it.

-NEIL

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Well it’s a popular day for football star murderers here on Parlayer. I don’t even want to give O.J. Simpson any coverage on this site, being that he likes to kill people and all, but if any media coverage of The Juice is warranted, it’s either: A) His Nordberg clips from Naked Gun, or B) This footage of Orenthal James being pummeled by prank callers calling him out on his murdering spree in a variety of clever ways.

I love at the end when the interviewer, who’s probably fearing for her life, tries to apologize to O.J. for the barage of murderer insults he received, and O.J. steps up to the plate to announce it doesn’t bother him as long as the questions are serious. Well, yeah, I can see that. I guess when you know you have a free pass to murder in the state of California, having people insult you about it would probably not affect you too much.

What a douche bag. Go back to stealing your Direct TV you piece of garbage. Too bad we don’t have a ‘murderers’ section on Parlayer I can file this post under…

-NEIL

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“Mate, trust me, just watch Silence Of The Lambs and tell me what I did wasn’t awesome!”

In whatever the hell Australia’s national rugby league is called, some rather disturbing news has made its way to the front of the country’s sports section. Well, unless you’re Mike Tyson who, to borrow a phrase from the immortal Bret Michaels, would be “kinda turned on” by this news.

It appears as though Canterbury Bulldogs forward Brad Morrin has been suspended for eight games for sinking his molars into Parramatta centre Timana Tahu during a match between the two teams last Friday. Not addressing the obvious irony with respect to his actions (biting) and the nickname of his team (Dogs), Morrin spoke about his cannibal-esque activity after the match concluded, and made it abundantly clear this was out of character for him:

“It’s not the sort of bloke I am and not the sort of player I am…”

Well, as long as it’s not the sort of bloke you are, Brad, then I’m cool with it. I don’t know Australian lingo too well, but if ‘bloke’ means ‘person who doesn’t sink his teeth into another humanoid’s flesh’, then I have to disagree with Marrin. Somehow, I don’t think people would’ve bought it if Iron Mike had come out and assured the world that he’s “not that sort of bloke or boxer” after he used his teeth to make Evander Holyfield’s ear look like something out of Star Trek years ago.

I think Marrin would’ve been better off just claiming he was malnourished. That definitely would’ve resonated better with the blokes down under. Instead Marrin has let down his whole country, including the immortal Paul Hogan. Way to go, mate!

-NEIL

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Is Garner’s obsession with finding a voodoo curse to put on Zambrano actually the result of a failed romance?

Well, you might remember this story breaking a few weeks ago about Houston Astros manager Phil Garner wanting to put a voodoo hex on Chicago Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano. At the time, it was a cheeky, funny, quirky little suggestion by a laid-back old-school baseball guy. Now, however, it seems to be getting a little too creepy.

Garner still hasn’t dropped the issue, and is apparently talking about it with more seriousness and detail than ever. Old Scrap Iron’s comments from the Houston Chronicle:

I’m confused. I went online now and looked for my voodoo guy, and I’m going to have to pick one here tonight and try to get it, but most of these curses are against lovers, and get your lover back and get revenge. I got to find one that puts a curse on a baseball player. I went on there, and 50 of them popped up there. How to get your lover back. How to get even with your lover…’

Personally, I think this is all just a sham cover-up. I bet Garner and Zambrano are actually estranged lovers, and Garner just wants it to look good when he goes online and buys one of these lover-revenge voodoo curses. Even if that’s not the case, Garner’s obsession is about one step short of Robert DeNiro’s obsession of Wesley Snipes in The Fan. Next thing you know, Zambrano’s going to end up getting carved up (sorry - all YouTube had was a German re-enactment of this scene) by Garner in the steam room.

Besides, with all the steroid controversy in baseball, we don’t need a voodoo controversy on top of it. Unless the name Pedro Cerrano is in the same sentence, I don’t want to hear anything else about this voodoo nonsense.

-NEIL

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Geordi LaForge needs to be on board to engineer any ship that’s going into outer space on a mission as important as one with the objective being transporting dirt from Yankee Stadium to a space station…

First off, apologies for the extended delay on posting - I spent the last week in Las Vegas and if you think I’m going to spend one second online posting blog material while I’m in a city where I have the opportunity to see Thunder From Down Under over and over again, then you obviously don’t know me.

Now that my justifiable absence has been explained, on to the news. It appears New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner isn’t placated with building the most dominant baseball franchise of the past 25 years in America. In fact, Steinbrenner isn’t content that he has the best baseball team on planet Earth. Astronaut Garrett Reisman will take dirt and banners from Yankee Stadium into space with him with the intention of delivering the sports memorabilia to an international space station. There’s no word yet if LeVar Burton is committed to taking a hiatus from Reading Rainbow to play the lead role in this riveting story. Personally, I’d prefer it if the Yankees took John Turturo, Oliver Platt, and that guy who is playing Reggie Jackson solely to recover his mancard after accepting roles in Sex & The City and The Devil Wears Prada and launched them into outer space, thus ridding us of The Bronx Is Burning once and for all.

Actually, Turturo can stay based solely on his absurd cameo in He Got Game. But to hell, errr, I mean space, with the rest of ‘em…

-NEIL

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Tenative coverart for Hudson’s 2008 sophmore effort. Unfortunately, it will have to be in black and white and copied at Kinko’s due to the sales numbers of “Undrafted”…

Minnesota Timberwolves guard Troy Hudson has more pressing issues to deal with in his life than the seemingly inevitable loss of franchise player and teammate Kevin Garnett to the Boston Celtics. Hudson released his first, hard-hitting rap album last week, titled “Undrafted”. The album surged up the charts, selling a punishing 78 copies in its first week of release.

There’s no word whether or not Hudson has contacted Justin Guarini for information on how to cope with such awful record sales. But hey, there’s still hope for Hudson. The Insane Clown Posse’s 1st major studio release sold a meager 17 copies in its first week of release. Hudson beat them almost fivefold. Now if he can just paint his face up and find a cheap local pop to throw all over the place, he might be able to start selling a few million records.

Though nothing has officially stated yet, the underground is eagerly awaiting word of when Hudson’s sophmore effort, tenatively titled “Unsigned” (we’re not sure if this is going to reference his NBA or rap artist status), will be released. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to play my Shaq Diesel tape and my bootleg copy of 40 Barz.

-NEIL

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