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David Wade isn’t coming from the greatest political-sports pedigree with respect to John Kerry…

What’s the only thing that’s worse than working on the staff of the worst United States President of all-time, who is so bad the heavens now have birds pooping on him? How about working on the staff of the guy who lost to said worst President ever in the last election? As a former John Kerry aide, David Wade falls in the latter category, and apparently being a part of that group isn’t humiliating enough for him.

Wade has decided to throw his name in the hat to become the next President of Red Sox Nation. While everything I’ve read suggests he is quite the baseball fan and might be capable of filling this prestigious role, I’m going to go out on a huge limb here and suggest that Boston fans will forever associate anyone who worked for John Kerry as not being worthy of being a Red Sox fan, let alone the President of Red Sox Nation, for the sheer fact that Kerry once uttered the fictitious name ‘Manny Ortiz’. Remind me when I run for the soon-to-be-created Presidency of Detroit Tigers fans never to pump up my favorite Tiger, Gary Ordonez.

I wonder what other prestigious leadership positions Mr. Wade has sought to be a part of? Based on his track record, I’d guess he’s thrown his candidacy in the mix for the following positions but lost out: Detroit Lions GM, Death Row Records Executive Producer, Enron CEO, lead in next M. Night Shamalan film, and BALCO head pharmacist.

Oh well. At least Wade could be out Jimmy Fallon as the next President of Red Sox Nation. But probably not Drew Barrymore.

-NEIL

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At least Austin Miles’ athleticism is all-natural…

Well, the Nielsen Ratings came in for Barry Bonds‘ breaking of Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record, and they thankfully weren’t as impressive as originally thought. Bonds drew a rating on ESPN that’s closer to Aevion Cason’s yard’s per carry average (1.1 rating), while the preseason NFL game between the Dallas Cowboys and Indianapolis Colts drew about 2.5 times the number (2.7 rating) of viewers watching Bonds. Apparently American sports fans are more interested in watching immortal wide-outs such as Austin Miles from Monmouth State and Jamel Richardson from Victor Valley haul in passes from Tarleton State legend Dick Bartel than in watching Bonds hit number 756.

I don’t know how America can’t get caught up in the nostalgia of a steroid-using, perjuring, cheating, asshole becoming the sole holder of the most hallowed individual record in baseball history. I mean, what’s next? Will Americans just turn off their TV’s when T.O. goes to break Marvin Harrison’s single-season NFL catches record in 2007? Will Americans stop paying attention when Michael Vick scampers for a fourth TD in the 2007 NFC Championship game? Hell, will we not watch when Rafael Palmiero gives his hall-of-fame induction speech?

I’ve never been more dissapointed in my country. If Sly Stallone single-handedly ending the Cold War marked the apex of my patriotism, Americans not watching Barry Bonds break the home-run record probably marks the low-point. Well, that and when Vince McMahon decided Lex Lugar was going to be the All-American successor to Hulk Hogan in the WWF in 1993.

And I only pray thickly-laid sarcasm translates as well into text as I think it does while I type this.

-NEIL

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I’ll skip all the jokes about former Detroit Tigers first baseman Cecil Fielder doing a McDonald’s spot. I’m not going to say “Did you know that if you stab Cecil Fielder Big Mac special sauce comes out instead of blood?”, because I’m above that. I won’t mention the irony that the only legit baseball star in Detroit during the 1990’s who also happened to be like 275 lbs. plugged the most unhealthy fast food item of his time (if it were today, I think Cecil would be pimping that monstrosity of a chicken/potato/gravy/cheese/biscuit bowl that The Colonel offers). Instead I’ll just let you focus on a cute commercial when cubby little Prince adored his slugging papa and when said papa had yet to make a generous $580K donation to Donald Trump’s Atlantic City casino.

I hope McDonald’s gave Cecil some sort of lifetime food pass. Without a pass (or Prince’s money), I don’t think he can even afford too many Big Mac’s these days. He’s probably limited to Yogurt Parfaits, Side Salads, and Apple Dippers.

-NEIL

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Is Garner’s obsession with finding a voodoo curse to put on Zambrano actually the result of a failed romance?

Well, you might remember this story breaking a few weeks ago about Houston Astros manager Phil Garner wanting to put a voodoo hex on Chicago Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano. At the time, it was a cheeky, funny, quirky little suggestion by a laid-back old-school baseball guy. Now, however, it seems to be getting a little too creepy.

Garner still hasn’t dropped the issue, and is apparently talking about it with more seriousness and detail than ever. Old Scrap Iron’s comments from the Houston Chronicle:

I’m confused. I went online now and looked for my voodoo guy, and I’m going to have to pick one here tonight and try to get it, but most of these curses are against lovers, and get your lover back and get revenge. I got to find one that puts a curse on a baseball player. I went on there, and 50 of them popped up there. How to get your lover back. How to get even with your lover…’

Personally, I think this is all just a sham cover-up. I bet Garner and Zambrano are actually estranged lovers, and Garner just wants it to look good when he goes online and buys one of these lover-revenge voodoo curses. Even if that’s not the case, Garner’s obsession is about one step short of Robert DeNiro’s obsession of Wesley Snipes in The Fan. Next thing you know, Zambrano’s going to end up getting carved up (sorry - all YouTube had was a German re-enactment of this scene) by Garner in the steam room.

Besides, with all the steroid controversy in baseball, we don’t need a voodoo controversy on top of it. Unless the name Pedro Cerrano is in the same sentence, I don’t want to hear anything else about this voodoo nonsense.

-NEIL

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Geordi LaForge needs to be on board to engineer any ship that’s going into outer space on a mission as important as one with the objective being transporting dirt from Yankee Stadium to a space station…

First off, apologies for the extended delay on posting - I spent the last week in Las Vegas and if you think I’m going to spend one second online posting blog material while I’m in a city where I have the opportunity to see Thunder From Down Under over and over again, then you obviously don’t know me.

Now that my justifiable absence has been explained, on to the news. It appears New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner isn’t placated with building the most dominant baseball franchise of the past 25 years in America. In fact, Steinbrenner isn’t content that he has the best baseball team on planet Earth. Astronaut Garrett Reisman will take dirt and banners from Yankee Stadium into space with him with the intention of delivering the sports memorabilia to an international space station. There’s no word yet if LeVar Burton is committed to taking a hiatus from Reading Rainbow to play the lead role in this riveting story. Personally, I’d prefer it if the Yankees took John Turturo, Oliver Platt, and that guy who is playing Reggie Jackson solely to recover his mancard after accepting roles in Sex & The City and The Devil Wears Prada and launched them into outer space, thus ridding us of The Bronx Is Burning once and for all.

Actually, Turturo can stay based solely on his absurd cameo in He Got Game. But to hell, errr, I mean space, with the rest of ‘em…

-NEIL

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Unlike Ron Artest, Mike Piazza saves his use of vigilante justice for cheaters on the field, rather than fans and non-professional athletes…

Here in the United States we have what is commonly referred to as a legal system. When a person has a crime committed against them, that aggrieved person is entitled to seek that the county prosecutor press charges against the alleged perpetrator. Most normal people make use of this system when some sort of criminal act is committed against them. Oakland Athletics catcher Mike Piazza (yes, believe it or not, he does still play - you can officially start scouring MLB rosters to see if Matt Williams or Mark Grace will also turn up on some team) decided to make use of this novel concept of the American legal system and request that charges be brought against an idiotic fan who chucked a water at Piazza that ended up hitting him in the batting helmet. What a novel concept - pressing charges instead of running into the stands like a crazed lunatic and inciting a melee the likes of which would make William Wallace recoail in terror. I think Ron-Ron saw ‘A Few Good Men’ one too many times and decided that initiating a ‘Code Red’ on the fan was the only reasonable course of action, not letting the disciplinary authorities handle the situation and the legal process play out.

Then again, Ron Artest also hits his wife and lets dogs go malnourished. I guess he’s more of a Brett Myers/DMX hybrid (an interesting mix) than a Mike Piazza type character.

At this point, I’m just waiting for an interview with Artest where he recommends that America implements the use of the Hammurabi Code for administering justice…

-NEIL

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I know it’s a hard subject to broach, but Martin may want to inquire if Alyssa’s ever experienced any quality ‘Lima Time’…

Recent first-time MLB All-Star Russell Martin’s stock is hotter than a twenty dollar belt when Craig Monroe is in the store. Martin, who has been one of the best offensive catchers in baseball this season, propelling the Dodgers into contention for the N.L. West division championship, made the mid-summer classic earlier this month for the first time. Then, if playing well and helping the team win wasn’t enough, Martin showed he’s a nice, humble, guy by sending out a mass e-mail to every L.A. Dodgers employee thanking them for their help and contribution in helping him to make the All-Star team. Even the Costanza-esque person in the ‘assistant to the traveling secretary’ position probably got the message.

But after reading that Martin has joined the parade of MLB’ers who have been romantically linked to former ‘Charmed’ and ‘Who’s The Boss’ (or as the roles I like to remember her by, ‘Embrace The Vampire’ and ‘Poison Ivy 2′) starlet Alyssa Milano, I’m not sure Martin’s stock can get any higher unless he suddenly receives the Democratic nod for the 2008 presidential election. Now I can’t say I remember any stories ever linking Samantha Mosselli to Jose Lima, but if I were Martin (or any of Milano’s previous MLB dudes), I’d check stat to make sure that she never had a fling with Jose. There’s no quicker way for a star athlete to lose his star power than for him to suddenly wake up with an insatiable desire to continuously scratch his groinal region, followed by a mysterious, unexplainable burning sensation when he goes to drain the lizard - just ask Jose.

And one last side note: given Milano’s affinity for the hurling half of the battery in the past (Zito, Pavano, Penny), why the sudden switch to a catcher? Let’s hope it doesn’t have anything to do with Lily Leonetti’s desire to get kinky in bed and be on the ‘pitching’ side of things. At least for Russell’s sake - he seems like too nice of a guy.

-NEIL

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Even the good Reverend can’t help Barry combat the evil demons preventing his march towards history…

San Francisco Giants’ slugger Barry Bonds has been mired in a recent 0-20 slump which has left him getting a little chippy with the media. Granted, Bonds’ being unfriendly to the media is about as shocking as finding out Lindsay Lohan removed her ankle bracelet that monitors her BAC and spent a night getting ripped with The Mindfreak at Club Pur in Vegas. Nevertheless, Bonds’ happy-go-lucky attitude from the 2007 All-Star Game has quickly been replaced by his typical brooding, surly, disposition as he sits idly five home runs short of breaking Hammerin’ Hank’s record.

To combat the demons preventing him from hitting home runs (or singles for that matter), Bonds has sought the guidance of the always impartial Reverend Jesse Jackson. The two were recently spotted praying in the Giants’ clubhouse. Initially, I was skeptical about Bonds’ decision to try and get back on track by praying to God, because God doesn’t like steroid-using cheaters. However, I’m pretty sure Bonds probably is a member of the occult underworld, and hence he may have been going Ghost Rider and selling his soul to the devil. Let’s just hope we don’t have an awful movie made about this whole experience starring Nicholas Cage.

-NEIL

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So the Cleveland Indians struggled in 2006, finishing in a disappointing fourth place in the American League Central. However, the Tribe has turned its fortunes around in 2007, battling last year’s American League Champion Detroit Tigers neck and neck all season as the teams jockey ferociously for division supremacy. Though it’s far from set in stone, it seems that both of these teams could be playoff bound in 2007, with one taking the division and the other the wild card.

So why the big turnaround for the Indians with a roster that remains, in large part, very similar to last season’s disappointing 2006 squad? I’m chalking it up to Cleveland leftfielder Jason Michaels enhancing his all-around baseball game this season. After a rocky 2006 defensively, Michaels went that extra yard and learned how to run and catch the ball this season. While that’s meant great news for Cleveland this season, sadly the highlights (or lowlights) of 2006 remain online for our enjoyment.

I hope you had a nice trip, Jason Michaels, haha!

-NEIL

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Who knows how much radioactive power it will take for Jones to get the Silver Slugger award this season…

The secret to Atlanta Braves’ centerfielder Andruw Jones’ success in playing the field is out. Jones, who has become one of the best defensive centerfielders in the history of Major League Baseball over his career by racking up more gold (in gloves) than the members of the Three 6 Mafia have in their teeth, recently revealed that he gives his baseball glove the same treatment that he gives to a Tombstone Pizza - he microwaves it.

I’m all about any superstition or ritual in professional baseball that helps a great player keep his dominance, at least any tradition that doesn’t involve putting one’s own extremities in front of a stream of urine, so it’s hard for me to rip too much on Andruw Jones for microwaving his baseball glove. Hell, practically I’m sure it even makes sense by loosening up the leather or something.

That being said, I guess I’ll be one of many people to state the obvious. After spending the bulk of 2007 hitting near the Mendoza line (or as Tigers’ fans like to call it, the ‘20 points higher than a cheating Neifi Perez will ever hit line’), it might be time for Mr. Jones to consider putting his bats in the microwave instead of his glove. I don’t care if they’re made of wood. Actually, the microwave might not have enough radioactive juice to cure whatever Pedro Cerrano-esque voodoo curse Jones has going this season (I think it’s called ‘playingforanewcontractitis‘). So I’m going to recommend Andruw just dip his bats straight into the same nuclear ooze that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out of to try and jump start his second half of 2007.

And yes, there is a small chance I have Andruw Jones on one of my baseball fantasy teams, but that has absolutely nothing to do with the gist of this article.

-NEIL

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