Quick question: What’s worse than being 28 years old and having your mom come to watch your rec league hockey games? How about when a minor fight breaks out involving you and your mom empties the urban dictionary of profane things to scream at the top of her lungs at the dude your fighting, and proceeds to be caught on tape.
Good God, I’d hate to hear what this woman would do at her son’s football game. Perhaps call out the linebacker that tackles him as being the deathspawn of Satan himself.
My guess is that this guy was neither a physics nor a geometry major. I’m also going to guess that this dude was not nearly high enough, in either sense of that term, to successfully achieve this move.
“Mate, trust me, just watch Silence Of The Lambs and tell me what I did wasn’t awesome!”
In whatever the hell Australia’s national rugby league is called, some rather disturbing news has made its way to the front of the country’s sports section. Well, unless you’re Mike Tyson who, to borrow a phrase from the immortal Bret Michaels, would be “kinda turned on” by this news.
It appears as though Canterbury Bulldogs forward Brad Morrin has been suspended for eight games for sinking his molars into Parramatta centre Timana Tahu during a match between the two teams last Friday. Not addressing the obvious irony with respect to his actions (biting) and the nickname of his team (Dogs), Morrin spoke about his cannibal-esque activity after the match concluded, and made it abundantly clear this was out of character for him:
“It’s not the sort of bloke I am and not the sort of player I am…”
Well, as long as it’s not the sort of bloke you are, Brad, then I’m cool with it. I don’t know Australian lingo too well, but if ‘bloke’ means ‘person who doesn’t sink his teeth into another humanoid’s flesh’, then I have to disagree with Marrin. Somehow, I don’t think people would’ve bought it if Iron Mike had come out and assured the world that he’s “not that sort of bloke or boxer” after he used his teeth to make Evander Holyfield’s ear look like something out of Star Trek years ago.
I think Marrin would’ve been better off just claiming he was malnourished. That definitely would’ve resonated better with the blokes down under. Instead Marrin has let down his whole country, including the immortal Paul Hogan. Way to go, mate!
There are plenty of sports for little kids to play if you, as a parent, want them to get outside and exercise so they don’t end up being listed on one of the most confidence-crushing websites ever. However, I would not encourage my youngster, even if they were a rude, thoughtless, little pig, to get on a piece of dangerous exercise equipment moving at a high speed.
Hmmm, maybe next time dad is on the bench press mom can encourage young daughter to try a few reps at 215. Perhaps that would result in mom uttering an ‘oh fuck’ rather than her spontaneous ‘oh shit’ in this video.
I’m not suggesting this guy was high when he attempted this jump…well, yes, actually I am going to suggest that he was doing his best Ross Rebagliati (I bet you don’t get that reference, or if you do, you’re probably high right now) and was trying to ‘be one with the air’ while he jumped this gap.
Predictably, this poor fool hits the not-so-flat landing area only to experience a Sid-Viciousesque bone-crushing impact. The poor boarder ends up helplessly sliding down the drift, legs unable to serve him. Apparently marijuana only helps you get high in one manner.
And as a side note, I would like to say that this individual does not accurately represent the average Red Wings’ fan. Actually, I haven’t been this embarassed of anyone sporting the winged wheel logo since watching Joey Gladstone and Cameron from Ferris Bueler rock it in the late 1980’s.
Well, I didn’t guess she’d end up plowing right into a parked car. Who parks their car that close to a sledding hill though? I bet it was probably this guy, who was probably also out filming this debacle, so everyone would stop looking at his dumb ass skiing fall on YouTube.
By the way, who is filming this and not seeing her heading for the car a mile away? Maybe you should turn off the camera and get in there, guy. Or maybe one of the five people standing around should’ve tried to stop her from hitting the car. But that’s just one man’s opinion I suppose…
Good thing the little Aussie peckers weren’t able to align and fire a mass shot like this…
Let’s thank God that the revolutionary concept of gunpowder has apparently not made its way to The Land Down Under yet. When I was a young teen, I remember being concerned with trying to score with chicks. When I was a mid-aged teen, I remember being concerned with how I was going to get booze. When I was nearing the end of my teenage years, I remember being concerned with how I was going to do both of those things in one night. But I can honestly say that at no point during my adolescence, let alone at any point during my entire life, was I ever concerned with making sure I could rob a local sporting goods store to shoot arrows into a crowded youth soccer game field for sh**s and giggles. I guess that bizarre source of teenage fun just never made its way into the Midwestern United States. What a shame.
Sadly, reverting to the Middle Ages and re-enacting the scene in Robin Hood where the merry men’s camp is fired upon by the Sherriff of Nottingham’s troops is apparently all the rage in Albury, Australia (sorry that clip’s not the right scene, but I think the foreign voices are too funny to ignore). Several teenagers thought it would be hillarious to steal some bows and arrows and open fire on a youth soccer game. Believe it or not, no one else seemed to find this act funny. Excluding listening to Carrot Top, I can’t think of anything less funny than shooting arrows at kids playing soccer and their parents.
Constable Simon ‘Insightful Quotes’ Steel, one of the officers to respond to this debacle, delivered some very insightful opinions on this incident:
“It was a recipe for disaster…There was no regard for public safety. They were firing towards a group of people so those arrows could have gone anywhere.”
Thank God Steel was there to clear up those lingering issues for me. I almost couldn’t tell this was a dangerous situation where public safety was obviously not being considered by the perpetrators. Maybe we can get Peter Sellers on this case to crack it next.
I’ve been an avid skiier since the years when Julio Franco probably got ID’d for beer, but one thing I’ve never really tried much is to learn the proper form for getting maximum air on a jump. Usually I just put my skis together, hit the jump, and start praying more than Captain Queenan when he knows Frank Costello’s thugs are about to throw him off a warehouse roof.
But I am confident that since I turned about 3 years old I could handle a minor bump in the snow better than this guy. He may be the first ever skiier to attempt a jump and actually get no air whatsoever.
Well, in the wake of the Rabid Wolverine’s unthinkable steroid-induced atrocity, here’s further evidence (which is much more funny than tragic) that we need to get a grip on this whole anabolic steroid problem. Forget Barry Bonds’ pursuit of Hank’s home run record. I’m more fearful of walking past the local dojo and having some kid like the immortal Wayne Dalgish who has no hair on his body other than on the top of his head attack me Donatello-style with a bo staff.
Maybe they should’ve had Cosmo Kramer fight this kid in that Seinfeld where he beats up the little kids at the dojo. Honestly, how could this kid’s parents ever discipline him? At this point, I’m going to stop with any sarcastic comments I have about a boy who looks like he should be on The Suite Life Of Zach And Cody being on a steroid-fueled karate bender, only because I’d like to live to see tomorrow.
