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“Mate, trust me, just watch Silence Of The Lambs and tell me what I did wasn’t awesome!”

In whatever the hell Australia’s national rugby league is called, some rather disturbing news has made its way to the front of the country’s sports section. Well, unless you’re Mike Tyson who, to borrow a phrase from the immortal Bret Michaels, would be “kinda turned on” by this news.

It appears as though Canterbury Bulldogs forward Brad Morrin has been suspended for eight games for sinking his molars into Parramatta centre Timana Tahu during a match between the two teams last Friday. Not addressing the obvious irony with respect to his actions (biting) and the nickname of his team (Dogs), Morrin spoke about his cannibal-esque activity after the match concluded, and made it abundantly clear this was out of character for him:

“It’s not the sort of bloke I am and not the sort of player I am…”

Well, as long as it’s not the sort of bloke you are, Brad, then I’m cool with it. I don’t know Australian lingo too well, but if ‘bloke’ means ‘person who doesn’t sink his teeth into another humanoid’s flesh’, then I have to disagree with Marrin. Somehow, I don’t think people would’ve bought it if Iron Mike had come out and assured the world that he’s “not that sort of bloke or boxer” after he used his teeth to make Evander Holyfield’s ear look like something out of Star Trek years ago.

I think Marrin would’ve been better off just claiming he was malnourished. That definitely would’ve resonated better with the blokes down under. Instead Marrin has let down his whole country, including the immortal Paul Hogan. Way to go, mate!

-NEIL

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Well, in 2007 it’s possible some half-ass heavyweight could get away with doing this to Iron Mike Tyson. But in 1986? I don’t know what Mitch “Blood” Green was thinking.

I’m not even going to ruin the artistic quality of Green’s verbal barbs at Tyson with any of my trifling commentary. Some things are best left unsaid, and I think commenting on this video is one of those things. If you can’t find the humor in this on your own, I don’t know what I could say to help you.

Relevant Links:

• “Blood” has a MySpace! And Bernard Hopkins is his MySpace friend!
• The “Blood” vs. Tyson feud in a nutshell…

-NEIL

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Mike Tyson just can’t resist a woman in a sari.

Mike Tyson: Boxer, felon… Bollywood movie star?

Even better: Bollywood movie dancer.

In what surely resulted from a search for the “least likely Indian movie star,” Mike Tyson has signed on to dance with the cast of an Indian comedy film in a promotional spot.

“It’s finalized,” Chattani said. “Tyson will be shooting the music promo with the entire cast.”

Why Tyson? Aside from instant publicity, action hero Sunny Deol stars as a boxer in the film, directed by Ahmed Khan.

“The movie is a laugh riot, and the filmmakers thought Tyson would be great in the promo,” Chattani said.

Sounds well and good, but there’s a catch: Tyson is set to go to trial in August on charges of drug possession and driving under the influence of drugs, and prosecutors aren’t generally thrilled when convicted felons take off halfway around the world when they’re supposed to be in a courtroom. Assuming the court gives him permission to go, however, we’ll eagerly look forward to leaked footage of Tyson busting some serious moves, Mumbai-style.

-ERIC

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I don’t want to brag, but yeah, I’ve beaten Mike Tyson’s Punchout! And contrary to popular opinion, it is, in fact, cool to take a picture of a video game achievement.

An August 20th trial date has been set for Mike Tyson following his December arrest for drug possession, according to ESPN.com. Mike Tyson in legal trouble?! What has this world come to? Speaking as one of the billions of people worldwide who sports a facial tattoo, I have to say I did not see this coming. But then again, Tyson does have quite the history of bad luck. First there was that whole rape conviction thing when it was clearly just a case of Mike accidentally falling on a girl and his penis happening to get inserted into her vagina. Later on, Mike caught a bad rap when he was fighting Evander Holyfield and Holyfield tried to ear-butt Tyson in the mouth just as Mike was clenching his teeth. And now we have this obviously fabricated drug possession charge. You’ve failed us once again, legal system.

-MATT

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