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Alright Dominic, let’s stick to going after people that are moving and exhibiting signs of life, like you are here…

Let’s run down some of the amazing decisions Minnesota Golden Gophers cornerback Dominic Jones made during the last few days that have now put him in the elite company of Michael Vick, Michael Jackson, and Lindsay Lohan as people who might be capable of going a full 24 hours without making one correct decision in their lives. Anyway, here’s a little breakdown of Jones’ epic decision-making process leading to his being charged with criminal sexual misconduct:

• Bad idea = get liquored up too much. But this happens to everyone, including myself, and it is especially likely to happen in college. In fact, if it doesn’t happen to you in college, I hope you go to Wabash College. But Dominic undoubtedly made this bad call, even if it was relatively minor.
• Really bad idea = ply underage girl with enough booze that she could hit Nolan Ryan’s jersey number on the breathalyser. Again, I’m sure the girl was drinking plenty of her own volition, and it was college and all, but this generally might be a good time to start distancing yourself from the pack…
• Idea on par with Avril Lavigne deciding to rip off a 70’s band song thinking they’d never notice = have sex with said drunk girl after she has already decided to become ‘intimate’ with three of your friends and fellow grid iron teammates. Maybe Jones was feeling left out, but from a personal point of view, I think his being the fourth man in here wasn’t probably the best idea, unless you like flirting with the possibility that you might wake up the next day and find out it burns when you pee for the rest of your life. Seems like surefire personal suicide.
• Idea on par with Mike Tyson thinking biting Evander Holyfield’s ear was wise = proceeding to engage in intercourse with the aforementioned poo-poo’d underage girl while she demonstrates as much life as a 20 year old dog. Dominic Jones may want to start repeating the mantra ‘alcohol is not consent’ for a really long time. Of course, where his actions may end up landing him, he might be engaged to a whole new kind of non-consensual sex. Hope you’ve hit the weight room a lot this off season, Dominic!
• Idea on par with Stephen Grant keeping the body of his wife whom he had murdered = Jones having his friends tape his sexual escapades with the sloshed 18 year old coed. Now I don’t condone anything Jones did (and obviously I don’t condone anything Grant did), but as a practical matter, if you’re going to be a stupid-ass criminal, why in the world would you tape video evidence of your illegal acts, unless you’re the terrorists from True Lies? What was plan B, Dominic? Write ‘Dominic was here’ with magic marker on her shirt? Again, I can’t emphasize enough how deplorable this whole situation is, but I still like to make fun of anyone who’s capable of ending up on world’s dumbest criminals.

Well, when I get hammered, I usually try in vein to hit on girls then go eat about 2 pounds of the greasiest pizza I can find. I guess for Dominic Jones it’s more reasonable to get minors sloshed and to tape gang bangs on cell phones. But hey, that’s why Dominic has joined the elite company of Michael Vick, Michael Jackson, and Lindsay Lohan as people who might be capable of going a full 24 hours without making one correct decision in their lives, while I’m left out of that club.

-NEIL

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