How many millions is getting dunked on by Shaq worth? In Geiger math, at least 11…
Now I know NBA players (and professional athletes in general) often make exorbitant sums of money. It never surprises me when I read about the fact that Pacman Jones actually showered a stripper with $80,000 in one night, or that he actually paid money to have the Pacman video game character embroidered on the leather headrests in his Chrysler Crossfire (I’m not sure if there’s a giant decal of Pacman on a super Pac-pellet eating Blinky on the trunk).
Nevertheless, usually when I hear about an athlete spending gobs of money on something, a la Wayne Gretzky on the Honus Wagner card, it catches my attention about as much as finding out someone from the unholy Paris-Lohan-Richie trifecta went on a Tony Montana like coke binge and crashed their car. Usually the athlete is someone like Jordan, Gretzky, or Tiger, which also usually means they could take as much money as I have out of their bank accounts, drop it on the ground, pee on it, then light it on fire, and not lose 0.00001% of their total assets. I guess what I’m saying is it’s not surprising when a great, famous, athlete can splurge on whatever they want, because they’re loaded from their mega-contracts and absurd endorsement deals.
But then I read something like former NBA center Matt Geiger dropping 20 million to build a helipad on his mansion, and I’m awestruck. 
Matt Geiger? Did this guy win the lottery after he retired? What the hell could Geiger have endorsed? Sun-tan lotion for bald people (see left)? What’s next? Is Bill Wennington planning to build a submarine dock at one of his waterfront estates? Actually, Geiger did not win the lottery, but received one of the worst contracts in NBA history when the Sixers gave him a guaranteed 52 million in 2001, and then Geiger promptly retired with all that money in 2002. I have no idea how I don’t remember him getting that absurd amount of money. Nevertheless, that awful contract should make Knicks’ fans and their Jerome James deal, or Pistons’ fans and their Nazr Mohammad signing, feel a little bit better. At least those guys didn’t retire; they’re still out there to function as pylons during practice. Eddy Curry and Rasheed Wallace need someone to dunk on during warmups.
I shouldn’t beef with Matt too much though. Seeing as I’m going to be a lawyer in less than a year, maybe I should learn some persuasionary techniques from him. Anyone who can parlay 9.2 points per game and 5.7 rebounds per game for a career into $52 million is clearly very skillful in the art of persuasion.
-NEIL
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