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The look of a mentally defeated man who is unable to come up with a better insult than calling a stripper a hooker and insinuating she has a pimp…

Bears’ uber-linebacker Brian Urlacher has allegedly been sending some nasty text messages to his baby’s mama, and now it appears that there could be some ensuing legal action on the horizon. Tanya Robertson claims Urlacher sent her messages calling her a “hooker” and “jealous bitch”, and suggesting that Robertson allows herself to be pandered.

Personally, I don’t know what Robertson’s qualm is about this situation; those insults were probably uttered about twenty-eight times a day at Pamela Rogers’ in her classroom, although unlike most adolescent classrooms, the male kids probably yelled it as a compliment. You’d think an NFL linebacker in his late 20’s could come up with something a little better than insults spewed on the back of the elementary school bus. After reading their text messages, if you had to draw a cinematic parallel between Urlacher and Elijah Dukes as to what you thought they were capable of doing to another human being, you’d think Urlacher was Jeffrey Lebowski and Dukes was Tony Montana. Sure, Urlacher might be a little crude in his speech, but ultimately he’s probably not going to hurt anyone (at least off the gridiron). But Dukes…at this point I wouldn’t be surprised to see feds’ raid his house and find him swimming in a mountain of nose candy, culminating in an absurdly long automatic weapon shootout.

And if you’re wondering why I can make light of what could be such an excrutiating situation, it’s because apparently Robertson has tried to shake down ex-boyfriend and Lord of the Dance star Michael Flatley. It’s always nice to know that if there’s one thing that a Riverdance choreographer and an NFL linebacker have in a common, it’s a tendency to get into legal battles with an exotic dancer. Can someone check Robertson’s speed dial for someone who goes by the name “Pacman“? Pretty please?

-NEIL

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