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Rumor has it Tank told his attorney to plea bargain with the prosecutor; Tank would plead guilty to violating his probation in exchange for having unfettered access to any junk food he desired while in the slammer…

Chicago Bears defensive lineman John Rambo…err…Tank Johnson recently wrapped a 60 day parole violation sentence in Chicago’s Cook County Jail. Whereas many inmates would typically lose a little flab and put on some muscle mass in the clink due to the stingy amount of imitation food available and lack of anything to do other than work out and read, Tank decided to go the other way with his stint in the big house, eating more junk food than Anna Nicole Smith circa 2003.

Johnson must have been viewed as the Jabba The Hut figure in jail, because he certainly lived the high life in prison, at least pertaining to the food he was eating. Good old Tank must not have been satisfied with the three meals (which undoubtedly looked like regurgitated apple sauce) he was receiving, so he apparently decided to have Rite Aid forward him one of every food item they sell in their stores. Tank’s scorecard for junk food eaten in 60 days has to be the most impressive number I’ve seen since Tiger ran away from the field at the 1997 Masters or since Nicole Richie’s BAC levels when she decided to drive the wrong way on a one-way street.

Here’s the breakdown of Tank’s prison junk food:

• Beef Sticks: 162
• Honey Buns: 40
• Summer Sausages: 35
• Bags Of Chips: 35
• Coffee Bags: 22
• Fruit Punch Bottles: 10
• Tuna Fish Cans: 10
• Jalapeno Cheese Spreads: 9
• Tortilla Bags: 9
• Refried Bean Cans: 6
• Bags Of Cookies: 6
• Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Packages: 5
• Lemonade Bottles: 5
• Swiss Rolls: 4
• Dill Pickle Bottles: 3
• Bags Of Sugar: 3
• Cream Cartons: 3
• Oatmeal Sandwhiches: 3
• Bags Of Jolly Ranchers: 2
• Butterfinger Packages: 2
• Peanut Butter Bars: 2
• Cupcakes: 1

One can only suspect if Doctor Richard Kimble knew of the potential for him to be able to get 9 Jalapeno Cheese Spreads every 60 days in jail, he might not have fled authorities with such vigor.

-NEIL

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