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Now I’m not going to lie - I’ve slipped up and lost my cool a couple of times in the heat of athletic competition. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I take a level of enjoyment that can’t even be measured by quantum computing away from watching famous sports’ personalities show less restraint than The Incredible Hulk when things haven’t exactly gone their way. Naturally when I saw Braves’ minor league manager Phill Wellman get more excited earlier this week than Paris Hilton’s cellmates, I was instantly roped in. Yet I still realize that wasn’t necessarily a hall-of-fame meltdown. So without further ado, check out the 20 greatest sports-meltdown video highlights…

Actually, scratch that - before I get to the videos, a couple of quick disclaimers:

• 1. I am fully aware there are no clips of Bobby Knight on this list. There is a very valid reason for that, namely that Knight is the Roger Federer or Tiger Woods of epic meltdowns, and he has had so many historic blowups that I’m going to give him a list of his own in the near future.
• 2. The system behind how I selected these meltdowns and where I slotted them is about as coherent and well-thought out as the plan for the Iraq War. That being said, I will say I don’t consider a simple fight between two teams or two players to rise to the level of being a major meltdown (i.e. the Red-Wings vs. Avalanche fight of 1997, Yankees vs. Red Sox fight of 2003, or Knicks vs. Nuggets fight of 2007). I should also point out that I heavily consider the significance of the situation as an important factor (i.e. after a finals loss versus an exhibition game), as well as the shock-value of the meltdown (i.e. thinking “there’s no effing way that just happened” vs. thinking “I’m not too surprised I just saw that”).

And onto the list…

20. Kansas Coach Roy Williams

The best part of Roy’s tiff here is how he constantly speaks to Bonnie Bernstein as if he’s Danny Tanner trying to tell little Michelle why it’s impolite to ask a question about North Carolina right after Kansas loses the NCAA Title Game. Roy constantly references how it’s “not very nice” for journalists, as human beings, to ask about UNC at that specific point in time, before he finally hits 212 degrees Farenhiet and drops the “I could give a s**t about North Carolina” right now” comment.

19. Braves’ Minor League Skipper Phil Wellman

I almost didn’t put this fresh meat on my list, and I have to say the only reason Wellman snuck on here was his guerrilla warfare impersonation when he lobs the rosin bag at the home plate umpire from behind the pitchers’ mound as if it was a grenade. While I did like a lot of what Wellman did, he lost some points because most of his antics almost exactly mimed the antics of another very recent meltdowner on this list (granted most of the things these baseball managers do when they flip out like this are always very similar). However, Wellman also lost major points for his curtain call with the fans around 2:09 into the video at the end of his meltdown. If this guy was really hitting Lou Piniella boiling point, he would’ve never ended his tirade with a swan song like that.

Two other points of interest here. One, I do like the inevitable smile the second baseman on the opposing team cracks at 2:06 into the video. Even the most intense individuals would have to chuckle at Wellman: Tiger Woods, John McEnroe, Michael Jordan, Estelle Costanza…

18. Rams’ QB Jim Everett

I should point out that I’m a huge Jim Rome fan as a disclaimer before I launch into a Jack Ramsey-esque breakdown of this meltdown. Now, I understand both sides of the argument here: some people think Rome was a snarly, nerdy little reporter who had no business talking to a huge professional athlete like that (true). Other people think Rome was asking an athlete with a reputation for creating the ‘phantom sack’ a hard question, and unlike most reporters, he was doing it to Everett’s face (also true). So instead of debating if this was the appropriate course of action, I’m just going to enjoy the fact that Jim Everett looks like he’s going to drool all over the place half the time the camera is on him, and the fact that Jim Rome looks like a deflated version of John Stamos in 1994 (you now have free reign to make fun of me at-will for using two Full House references in the first 3 videos of this article).

17. U.S. Tennis Star John McEnroe

I really don’t have much to say here, except the audible vulgarity and profanity displayed my McEnroe at the umpire is extremely enjoyable. Forget the once rumored Allen Iverson ‘40 Barz’ rap album, or the Lastings Milledge cameo on ‘Bend Ya Knees‘, I’d like to here a John McEnroe parental advisory music album. He’s off to a fast start here using everyone’s favorite four-letter noun, verb, adjective, adverb, and proper noun along with a synonym for poop in his 5 second conversation with the umpire.

16. Syracuse Coach Jim Boeheim

I think Gerry McNamara is overrated. I only wish Jim Boeheim were around so I could have someone repeatedly dropping F-Bomb’s for emphasis in my ear. Seriously, if Boeheim extended this rant to about 5 minutes long, he’d probably surpass 2pac’s use of the F-Bomb in ‘Hit ‘Em Up’. Now Jim just needs to start saying “Now when I came out I told you it was just about Gerry, then everybody had to open they mouth fo’ they mothaf**kin’ opinions. Well this how we gonna do this: F**k the editor, f**k the assistant coach, f**k Syracuse as a newspaper, as a University, and as a motherf**kin’ student body. And if you wanna be down with Syracuse, f**k you too!”

I shudder to think what would happen if the Syracuse University school newspaper presented Boeheim with this information today though. He’s shooting under 40% in the D-League? Cover your ears!

15. Flyers’ Goalie Ron Hextall

Number one sign you might be in the opposing team’s head? Their goalie melts down and calls the playoff series in the 3rd period of Game 6 with his team down 3-2 in the series by charging out of the goal and attacking you. That’s at least the case for Montreal’s Chris Chelios, who managed to make Philadelphia’s Ron Hextall attack him like a rabid bear searching for its prey. Considering the Canadiens’ power play was ending and Hextall could’ve been pulled for an extra skater to try and get back in this series, this might not have been the wisest course of action.

Plus, Hextall’s fury towards Chelios was based on a hit Chelios put on Brian Propp in Game 1 of the series. I mean, I could understand if you had to defend Wayne Gretzky, but Brian Propp? What’s next? Ray Emery comes charging out of the pipes to jump Chris Pronger for laying out Patrick Eaves?

14. Jets’ Coach Herm Edwards

Remember the old adage “It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game?” Every kid’s parents’ fed him that load of crap as a little leaguer. Well, except for Herm Edwards’ parents. Do you want to know why Herm thinks people play sports? Just play the clip. He made it about as abundantly clear in this video as Bret Hart made his feelings towards Shawn Michaels on ‘Off The Record’ (zoom in to the 1:24 mark into the video).

13. Dolphins’ QB Dan Marino

Well, I’ll give it to Dan Marino. He certainly brings the intensity he took onto the NFL gridiron into the announcer’s studio. Watch his speaking gaffe here, and his reaction which draws initial laughter from his colleagues, followed by very justifiable concern.

At least Dan’s mad for good reason. I mean, it’s not like this is a taped cable show on HBO where the host’s on-camera slip-ups can easily be corrected. I wonder if this used to happen on sitcoms or anything. I highly doubt it. I mean, could you ever see Cosmo Kramer getting livid for an unjustifiable reason and completely losing it, scaring the crap out of Jerry, Elaine, and George? Wait, don’t answer that…

12. Cardinals’ Coach Dennis Green

OK, so I know Dennis Green was frustrated and all with his then-Cardinals team being picked as a 2006 NFC West darkhorse contender and not doing so well, and I know the Cardinals had the eventual NFC Champion Bears on the ropes on Monday Night Football (maybe it was Sunday Night…), but that’s no reason for Denny to act like this. I mean, yeah the Cardinals blew an inexcusable 4th quarter lead at home, but that doesn’t mean Denny needs to start yelling in a pre-pubescent Legion Of Doom sounding voice about the Bears being “Who we thought they were”. I’m just waiting for Denny to ask someone to put the reporter who asked the question on their shoulders, so Denny can jump off the podium and give the reporter the Doomsday Device, then get up and scream “What a Rush!”.

11. Miami’s TE Kellen Winslow Jr.

How highly do I think of Kellen Winslow’s rant about being an effin’ solidier? High enough that I referenced it in the ‘About Parlayer’ section I wrote when we launched this site back in February-March. Nothing is better than watching some gangster-athlete go off on a tirade about how hard he is and what a badass he is, except watching some spoiled rich kid wannabe gangster (he’s the son of a hall-of-fame tight end not strapped for cash) do the exact same thing.

Perhaps former Steelers’ linebacker more aptly characterized Winslow when he described Young Kellen (I’m surprised Winslow hasn’t asked to be addressed as that yet) as a younger pupil in a British public school.

10. Royals’ George Brett

If this were a postseason game, it would’ve been higher on this list without question. Good thing baseball umpires were monitoring bats closely for pine tar back in the 70’s and 80’s. I’m really glad MLB nipped all these cheating problems in the butt before they escalated into players corking bats and using horse tranquilizers to become Ivan Drago with the ability to hit a curveball.

9. Chargers’ QB Ryan Leaf

A very brief meltdown for a very brief career. I don’t know what this reporter was asking Ryan Leaf that sparked him to act this way, but I’m willing to bet, given the way Leaf’s life has turned out, it probably didn’t warrant Leaf’s reaction. Then again, when you’re so bad a reporter can legitimately ask you “How does it feel to be the biggest bust ever?” or “How does it feel to be such a colossal bust that a movie is in the works about your epic failures which will probably never be matched?“, I suppose it is possible to mildly overreact and call out the aforementioned reporter.

P.S. I’m pretty sure the movie is fake, but in hindsight, I have to wonder how everyone ever could’ve thought any QB who is Buzz’s lost skinnier twin from Home Alone could’ve been a franchise NFL player? College records be damned.

8. Boxer Mike Tyson

Since rape is not anything to joke about and professing to eat someone else’s children (around 1:24 into the montage) is just so funny words can’t capture it’s effect, by default this is the Iron Mike meltdown I’m using on this list. Nevertheless, this is a blowup that’s every bit worthy of a top 10 position on a list like this one. Whenever things are going so poorly that your anger rises to the level you think it would be a good idea to go Hannibal Lecter and revert to cannibalism, I think that’s a top 10 calibur meltdown without question.

I don’t know how no one ever came up with the idea for an “Evander Holyears” candy either. I always thought that was a real money maker. Well, unless people get grossed out by remembering that Mike Tyson actually did bite Holyfield’s ear at one point. I would also point out that this meltdown would be a candidate for number one if it didn’t occur while boxing (I’ll give a little more leeway to a meltdown that occurs in UFC, boxing, or the NFL, where the threat of death/serious injury occuring is significantly higher than most other sports). This blowup also loses some points for the fact that it was committed by Mike Tyson, who is capable of overreacting and doing things that members of the humanoid race wouldn’t ever dream of.

7. Ashville Skipper Joe Mikulik

See, this is why Phil Wellman could barely crack the list. Tell me he didn’t watch Joe Mikulik blow up last summer and emulate it, albeit with his own clever rosin bag as grenade twist. Now I realize the Lou Piniellas, Billy Martins, and Lloyd McClendons of the world have also done most of this stuff repeatedly in the big leagues, but no one pieced together quite a total package like Mikulik in 2006. I mean, it was like Mikulik took the best of everyone else, and combined it into his own fabulous performance. Actually, are we sure Mikulik hasn’t been hanging with the king of sampling, Puff Daddy (or whatever his name is)?

I would also like to apologize for forcing you to listen to Stuart Scott, even if it was only briefly. That always warrants an apology, although he does bring up my favorite point in the video: when the ball boy has to backtrack for fear of a flying back decapitating him.

6. Colts’ Coach Jim Mora

Well, there’s nothing that can be said about this clip that hasn’t already. I will go so far as to say it is the only clip I think I put higher than it deserves based on its sheer comedic value. It was only after a regular season game, and crazy NFL coach comments at press conferences aren’t all that shocking, but no one has blazened a bigger trail for how to use the pre-pubescent whine than Jim Mora with his legendary “PLAYOFFS!?!” whine.

5. Skipper Earl Weaver

Well, forget what I might’ve said in the last post about Jim Mora being the only one higher than he deserves. Truthfully, I don’t know if this happened during an important game (playoffs) or some meaningless exhibition game, but I do know Earl Weaver’s absurdity had me laughing for a while. I’ve never been involved in an MLB manager-umpire argument (hoping to be a skipper in The Show sometime around 2013), so I can’t comment as to exactly what they say aside from it probably includes a lot of words that were contained in Clark Griswold’s diatribe on his boss (5th quote section down) when he didn’t get his bonus in Christmas Vacation.

However, when Earl Weaver, sounding like he’s an extra fresh off the set of Pirates of the Caribbean, suggests that the sole purpose of the umpire crew’s presence at the game is to f**k Earl’s team over (I’m sure they’re not present because it’s their job to make some money), I just about lost it. I’m glad someone could capture one of the Epic Earl Weaver tirades my Dad used to rave about on tape with such impeccable audio quality.

P.S. Note to self - Do not put your finger on Earl Weaver.

4. Royals’ Skipper Hal McRae

Well, this one certainly ascended the rankings of my list on the shock value concept. A solid outburst by a baseball manager may not be common, but it’s certainly not rare. I guess it would be like getting a ‘Checklist’ card when you buy a pack of Topps. However, the fact that Hal chose to absolutely thrash his entire office in the process, just because a reporter asked him if he considered pinch-hitting George Brett in the 7th inning, and destroy tons of electronic equipment and furniture, was indeed a little more rare. Hell, after watching this debacle, I think we know why the Royals’ have been stuck as a small-market team for the last 15 years. They’re still spending all their revenue to repair the damage caused by Hal McRae.

And if you don’t think I moved this puppy up a little higher on my list because Hal ends his outburst with “Put that s**t in your pipe and smoke it!”, you would be sorely mistaken.

3. Ohio State’s Woody Hayes

God, I wonder how people could ever view OSU as having a poor reputation in terms of the classyness of the university and its football program? Having your legendary football coach attack a player on the other team who made a nice defensive play certainly doesn’t have anything to do with it. Maybe this decade we can get Thad Motta to run on the floor and spear Drew Neitzel after he knocks down a three in Columbus.

2. Temple Coach John Cheney

Younger sports fans may remember Cheney’s “sending in the goon” ploy from a few years ago far more than this outburst, but this is the far superior meltdown of the former Owls’ coach. I mean, this meltdown just takes the concept of shock-value to another level. Listen to Cheney throw out the classic “I’ll kill you” threat about 24 seconds into the clip, which he follows up with an “I’m gonna kick your ass” claim at about 28 seconds into the clip. Maybe it’s just me, but I think those threats should’ve been reversed in their order, but I don’t want to nit-pick…

Actually, the hidden gem in this video (and on a side note, the ultimate hidden gem for me of all-time was finding out you could play the original Maniac Mansion in the Day of the Tentacle video game), is watching John Calipari pretend like he wants to get in there and mix it up with Cheney about 21 seconds in. Good God, that’s almost as bad as when Cheaters’ host Joey Greco pretends like he really wants a piece of the guy who gets busted cheating, when in actuality everyone knows he’d get dropped (or stabbed - I know that’s a low blow) about one-tenth as quickly as Johnnie Morton did.

1. Ron Artest & Stephen Jackson

If you can’t figure out how this qualifies as the most absurd meltdown of all-time, then I don’t think I could articulate it for you anyway. I’d rather take the time to completely point out what a jackass Tim Legler is. Everything after Saunders calls the fans who went on the court punks (which is absolutely true) is completely absurd.

I’ve been punched in the face, Tim Legler, and I didn’t respond by running after someone who didn’t do it. Any person would not have done the same thing Ron Artest did. Many people, when hit with a plastic cup of beer and not injured by it at all, would not charge after the wrong person and incite a riot in the stands. But that’s just my feeling.

By the way, time has certainly proved that this was definitely an isolated problem with Artest. Hey, the fan who threw the beer was a jackass and at-fault. Any fan who came on the court was out of control. But don’t blame people in the stands for saving an innocent guy that Artest jumped.

Either way, Ron Artest managed to redefine shock-value on this particular night. So at least we can find some silver lining the debacle in Auburn Hills.

Honorable Mentions:

• Allen Iverson’s feelings on practice
• Dale Hunter’s mugging of Pierre Turgeon as the Capitals go down

-NEIL

Here are some good reads:

• VIDEO: More Memorable Baseball Meltdowns - Lee Elia And Tommy Lasorda
• VIDEO: Going Over The Middle In Football Might Hurt A Little
• The Best Athlete-Golfers That Aren’t Actually Pro Golfers