Funny Sports News Picks and Videos At Parlayer

Quick question: What’s worse than being 28 years old and having your mom come to watch your rec league hockey games? How about when a minor fight breaks out involving you and your mom empties the urban dictionary of profane things to scream at the top of her lungs at the dude your fighting, and proceeds to be caught on tape.

Good God, I’d hate to hear what this woman would do at her son’s football game. Perhaps call out the linebacker that tackles him as being the deathspawn of Satan himself.

-NEIL

David Wade isn’t coming from the greatest political-sports pedigree with respect to John Kerry…

What’s the only thing that’s worse than working on the staff of the worst United States President of all-time, who is so bad the heavens now have birds pooping on him? How about working on the staff of the guy who lost to said worst President ever in the last election? As a former John Kerry aide, David Wade falls in the latter category, and apparently being a part of that group isn’t humiliating enough for him.

Wade has decided to throw his name in the hat to become the next President of Red Sox Nation. While everything I’ve read suggests he is quite the baseball fan and might be capable of filling this prestigious role, I’m going to go out on a huge limb here and suggest that Boston fans will forever associate anyone who worked for John Kerry as not being worthy of being a Red Sox fan, let alone the President of Red Sox Nation, for the sheer fact that Kerry once uttered the fictitious name ‘Manny Ortiz’. Remind me when I run for the soon-to-be-created Presidency of Detroit Tigers fans never to pump up my favorite Tiger, Gary Ordonez.

I wonder what other prestigious leadership positions Mr. Wade has sought to be a part of? Based on his track record, I’d guess he’s thrown his candidacy in the mix for the following positions but lost out: Detroit Lions GM, Death Row Records Executive Producer, Enron CEO, lead in next M. Night Shamalan film, and BALCO head pharmacist.

Oh well. At least Wade could be out Jimmy Fallon as the next President of Red Sox Nation. But probably not Drew Barrymore.

-NEIL

So we’ve all seen the famous clip of that guy who goes to launch onto the beam and ends up getting about 1/100 of the required air, promptly hitting his chest right into the side of the beam and knocking the wind out of him. Well, I introduce you to someone who at least made it onto the beam, but may have found a way to hurt herself even more…

How she completely misses the bar remains a mystery to me. But I’d say it’s time her coach gives her the same speech Lou Brown gave to Ricky Vaughn in Major League. Seein’ is the most important thing, hun’…

-NEIL

I think we’d all rather look at Brynn Cameron than Matt Leinart here…although I did seriously consider putting a photo of Nick Lachey up here…

Matt Leinart and his baby’s mama, USC hoopster Brynn Cameron, have recently been entangled in a feud that would make Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels blush. The argument has centered around support and custody of the ex-couple’s son, Cole. Cameron wants more money and says Leinart doesn’t do any of the real parenting; Leinart says he pays for lots out of his own pocket of his own free will and does a great job raising the kid, blah blah blah…

Needless to say, this dispute made its way into court, and the judge decreed that Leinart needs to up his payments to roughly $12,500 per month, however the potential incoming 6th member of 98 Degrees will receive joint custody of the kid and be allowed to spend Saturdays and Sundays with the young Cole.

I have a feeling this is exactly what new Cardinals’ coach Ken Wisenhunt was hoping for. That unbelievably awful movie where The Rock goes from being league MVP and football tough guy to a caring dad with a soft spot for kids is coming to life right in front of him with the Leinart-Cameron saga. Maybe next week the Cardinals can bring in some former gang members who are currently incarcerated to play on the practice squad so the kids can show everyone that they’re not delinquent failures. I’ve certainly never heard that script before. But seriously, if you’re Wisenhunt, how enthralled do you have to be that your starting QB now has to spend his nights before games picking the right brand of Swimmies and making that ever-so-crucial decision of Gerber’s versus Earth’s Best instead of analyzing the Cowboys defensive schemes? Actually, if it means Papa Leinart won’t look like this on the eve of a game, maybe Coach won’t mind at all…

As for Cameron, she officially is nominated for best celebrity mother of the year for ensuring that the greatest provision ever was included in the custody agreement, prohibiting Leinart from letting Britney Spears or Paris Hilton anywhere near the baby. Inviting those two over to help raise a kid is about as explosive as inviting Lindsay Lohan to an open bar in Columbia. Kudos to Brynn, although I might’ve also encouraged Matt not to allow any of the former 98 Degrees members around the kid, either. No one deserves to have a live, a capella version of “Una Noche” as their bed time melody.

-NEIL

Norm Duke probably realized at a relatively young age he was not going to be dominating his high school varsity basketball or baseball teams. But I’ll give him credit; the guy must have had perseverence. Because I think this video pretty much is the first time I’ve ever been jealous of a bowler’s filthy skills.

Ok, scratch that. But the last time I was jealous of a bowler, his name was Ernie McCracken and he had a rose in his ball.

-NEIL

Mr. Evans needs some lessons from the King…

Well, looks like club soccer coach Benjamin Evans has seen Chris Hansen in action enough to know that sending AOL IM’s or visiting online chat rooms in an effort to solicit sex from a minor is a very bad idea. So what did Evans do to avoid this pressing dilemna that is such a thorn in all of our sides? He decided to go to the good old text message to solicit sex from Hannah Montana’s peers.

Evans, 23, allegedly met a 13-year-old girl at a summer soccer camp he was coaching earlier this month. The police report goes on to say that Evans began sending his texts pre-pubescent girl on August 2nd, and the report further details that in the course of their text conversation, Evans hinted that he might pay her for sexual favors. By August 6th, the girl’s mom miraculously found out about the text messages that would make Jenna Jameson blush and called the cops. In a sting for the ages, the cops then used the girl’s phone to arrange to meet Evans last Tuesday night after a text message conversation during which Evans inquired if the young lassie wanted to perform oral sex on him and then told her how to do it.

Man, this guy is a L-O-S-E-R. I mean, if you’re going to try and solicit underage girls for sexual favors, at least you should be able to do it without having to pay for it. It sounds like Mr. Evans needs a crash course 101 in sexual solicitation of minors for free from Professor Jackson at Neverland University. But hey, at least he was kind enough to give the youngster instructions on how to perform oral sex. Can’t say he wasn’t at least spreading some knowledge. Although I’m not sure the world needs to have any knowledge this guy possesses spread.

And based solely on the content of this article, I will actually throw out a disclaimer that all of this is pure sarcasm. Obviously this guy is a pud the likes of which should be sent to Federal “Pound Me In The Ass Prison”. Now let’s get Chris Hansen and Shaq on that task ASAP.

-NEIL

Maybe you remember the Season 8 Seinfeld episode where George is hellbent on using a comeback after he gets zinged at a Yankees meeting for eating shrimp like a pig. While soliciting advice on how to handle the situation from the gang, Kramer not-so-subtley suggests that George tell the guy who zinged him that George had sex with his wife. A classic insult, no doubt, but not one George wants to use. Well, when George’s planned comeback fails, he predictably becomes frustrated and relies on the old wife insult, only to find out that his target’s wife is actually in a coma. Well, let’s just say the following video shows what happens when you try to zing a professional boxer with some derivation of the old “I had sex with your wife!” diss.

Hmmm, yeah. I’d have to suggest that this guy is slightly more intimidating that Jason Alexander’s nemesis on the Seinfeld episode. Probably not the best idea to diss his marital partner.

-NEIL

At least Austin Miles’ athleticism is all-natural…

Well, the Nielsen Ratings came in for Barry Bonds‘ breaking of Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record, and they thankfully weren’t as impressive as originally thought. Bonds drew a rating on ESPN that’s closer to Aevion Cason’s yard’s per carry average (1.1 rating), while the preseason NFL game between the Dallas Cowboys and Indianapolis Colts drew about 2.5 times the number (2.7 rating) of viewers watching Bonds. Apparently American sports fans are more interested in watching immortal wide-outs such as Austin Miles from Monmouth State and Jamel Richardson from Victor Valley haul in passes from Tarleton State legend Dick Bartel than in watching Bonds hit number 756.

I don’t know how America can’t get caught up in the nostalgia of a steroid-using, perjuring, cheating, asshole becoming the sole holder of the most hallowed individual record in baseball history. I mean, what’s next? Will Americans just turn off their TV’s when T.O. goes to break Marvin Harrison’s single-season NFL catches record in 2007? Will Americans stop paying attention when Michael Vick scampers for a fourth TD in the 2007 NFC Championship game? Hell, will we not watch when Rafael Palmiero gives his hall-of-fame induction speech?

I’ve never been more dissapointed in my country. If Sly Stallone single-handedly ending the Cold War marked the apex of my patriotism, Americans not watching Barry Bonds break the home-run record probably marks the low-point. Well, that and when Vince McMahon decided Lex Lugar was going to be the All-American successor to Hulk Hogan in the WWF in 1993.

And I only pray thickly-laid sarcasm translates as well into text as I think it does while I type this.

-NEIL

If whomever came up with the idea of snow skiing thought skiiers would be unable to gain insufficient speed naturally going down the slopes, I’m sure he would’ve invented some sort of ski with a motor or some other extra power. Thankfully, he didn’t come up with such an invention, and I think Hermann Maier proved skiiers can get sufficient speed for brutal wipeouts without using anything other than their skis and the hill. But then there are some people who just like to test the skiing gods, such as this probable future candidate for the Darwin Awards…

My guess is that this guy was neither a physics nor a geometry major. I’m also going to guess that this dude was not nearly high enough, in either sense of that term, to successfully achieve this move.

-NEIL

At least if Nike breaks the bank to get Beckham and he never plays the company could always substitute Billy Idol for Becks and Americans probably wouldn’t even know…

It looks like everyone’s favorite home to Lil’ Penny is making headlines again, this time with their efforts to sign soccer uber-star David Beckham away from rival Adidas. If Nike succeeds, I can only hope their ad campaign for Beckham (and Beckham’s U.S. career itself) will be as successful as that of former Nike client Freddy Adu. I’m all for Nike’s continued plunging of millions of dollars into ad campaigns for a sport no one in America cares about.

And while Nike’s at it, maybe they could throw millions today at Rich Harden, Eric Lindros, Mark Prior, Payne Stewart, Dale Earnhardt Sr., Charles Rogers, and Penny Hardaway. I mean, they’ve all seen as much professional action as Beckham over the last year in America. Hell, for fifty bucks, I’ll abandon my looming sponsorship with Keds for a chance to represent the swoosh. But hey, if another friendly with Chelsea ever comes up, Eric Wynalda and the other eight Americans who watch soccer might actually get to see Beckham in all his swooshed-out glory.

Go ahead Nike, just do it.

-NEIL